I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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