Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
