Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
