im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
