We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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