she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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