The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
