What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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