i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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