When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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