remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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