Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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