I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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