Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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