ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
