Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
