I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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