I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
