Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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