true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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