Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
