pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
