She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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