he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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