I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
