You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
