i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
