Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
