The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
