Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
