Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
