He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
