Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
