It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
