if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
