My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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