My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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