So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
