Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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