My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
