i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
