I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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