I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
