After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
