Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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