Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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