he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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