i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
