Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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