I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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