i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Who died my cat blue again?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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