She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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