Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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