I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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